Satyricism

It’s the definition of a Pyrrhic victory. You manned up and ripped off the bandaid, and now everyone hurts! Warm yourself with those embers!

I remember being 13. I remember that being a really fucking traumatic year. It was 7th grade. I signed up for wrestling—it was the only sport I could imagine where my size and my ability to fight for it (I’ve told y’all for years I’m scrappy, you’ve never seen me in an actual fight. I’ve only ever drawn [had a fight broken up] because I was in a hold and the much larger guy holding me was too pain to keep going. Yes this was high school, but my point stands. Get me pissed in a physical fight, and I will get mean with no hesitation and I know how to hurt.). I had sexual things happen with girls in my year—there was a girl who sat next to me in my 7th whom I tried to prove myself heterosexual with in the bathroom of the RJH fall dance. My high school friends to this day believe I was crying that day because I found her later that night making out with my best friend in that same bathroom, but that’s only half of that entire fucked up situation. Sufficed to say, I ended up quitting wrestling because I continued having continued Unfortunate Erections during practice. I very much tried to be normal. Being even more different than I already was scared the everloving shit out of me.

But you know what?

I don’t need your crypto-fascist definitions. You can try to fight the culture wars all you want, Rick Santorum and Your Rock. You can say college is the devil, when college was the heavenly place that saved me from the self destructive path I was on and gave me the tools to become a person worth being, really, really, you can keep doing that. Because the more you say what you’re thinking, the more people realize you’re insane, and the more the moderates refuse to take your side on anything, and then I get to get married if I want to and have it not be some fucking little separate but equal shit you get to impose because some asshole Roman emperor decided on his deathbed that adopting that countercultural religious movement would be a uniting force or a divided empire. Fuck you. Fuck you and imposing your unnatural, spiteful values upon me for all the psychological damage it did to me. I very much hold a grudge. You told me, flatought, that I was hated by people within my country, within my state, within my county, within my school, while I was in the very vulnerable position of growing up. It’s possible that I will never forgive you for that, and frankly, I shouldn’t have to.

Jesus was a Jewish philosopher
Had a lot of nice ideas
About our existential fears
Much admired by his peers
Short and Jewish and quite political
Often hesitant and very analytical

Praise be to Jesus
Praise be to Woody Allen Jesus
Woody Allen Jesus!

Jesus was a great entertainer
Doing cool tricks all of the time
Turning water into wine
Making stormy weather fine
Even now his stunts confound us
Kinda did what Darren Brown does

Praise be to Jesus
Praise be to magic Woody Allen Jesus
Magic Woody Allen Jesus!

Jesus died but then came back to life
So the Holy Bible said
Kinda like in Dawn of the Dead
Like a film by Simon Pegg
Try that these days, you’d be in trouble
Geeks would try to smack you with a shovel

Praise be to Jesus
Praise be to Magic Woody Allen Zombie Jesus
Magic Woody Allen Zombie Jesus!

Jesus ascended into Heaven
He was an incredible guy
You don’t often find fellas that fly
Disappear right into the sky
And only once did he use this ability
With great power comes great responsibility

Praise be to Jesus
Praise be to Magic Woody Allen Zombie Superman Jesus
Jesus!

Jesus’ mother gave birth to him
Without having sex with a dude
No, she would never be that rude
Never even be nude with a dude
Breeding without the opposite gender is
Commonly known as parthenogenesis
Other animals that don’t need males
Include a lot of lizards and various snails

Praise be to Jesus
Praise be to Magic Woody Allen Zombie Superman Komodo Dragon Jesus
Jesus!

Jesus can communicate with the deceased
Like Psychic Sally–
Jesus lives forever, which is pretty odd
But not as odd as his fetish for drinking blood
Jesus is in more than one place at a time
Like an electron or Schrödinger’s feline
Jesus pulled off that water walking miracle
He was as handy as an amphibious vehicle
Jesus had bare feet, long hair, and a beard
Look, I’m not saying it’s me
I’m not saying that I am Jesus
I’m not saying that I am Jesus
I am Jesus!

Praise be to Jesus
Praise be to Woody Allen Jesus
Woody Allen Jesus!
Praise be to Magic Woody Allen Zombie Superman Komodo Dragon
Telepathic Vampire Quantum Hovercraft *Me* Jesus!

No. Gleek freakouts/explosions/irrational investment in romantic relationships will never not be entertaining.

Schadenfreude, motherfuckers. I AM SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU FOR NOT FEELING BAD MUAHAHAHAHA.

This blog is getting dark and sparsely populated. I’m going to be reversing the latter, and doubling down on the former.

I mean, their sexual relations only come up when their partners are necessary to involve in the plot? And then no one is like “oh, your love interest is same sex?”  Because the plot is more important?

I love BSG/Caprica.

Also Caprica starts slow, but by the end it turns out to be a story worth telling. The finale is incredible. Apotheosis! It’s not just cool because of the messenger speech from Oedipus at Colonus!

Yes! All of the wankings!

I will fucking tie you up to my bed and then I will read you William Fucking Blake.